I LOVE

when you want something so much that it hurts. That it scares you to death. That the thought of it makes you feel excited and alive. That you are so close you can taste it. That it makes you dream of not only who you will become, but what it will make of your life here and now and in this moment.

I'm really praying to get into the college in Cairo. As I'm writing my essay I find myself getting a bit teary-eyed. To be honest I don't think I've ever wanted something so much as this in my life. I have big dreams and a big heart to learn and love and be, and with that said I feel like this could be an experience of a lifetime. I feel vulnerable because I want to make sure that in 500 words or less I gut myself on this paper so that those who will be evaluating me cannot say no. All of this is really strange, and the day I send my application in I will probably have to take off because I'm sure the stress just might be too much for me to handle.

I want to eat koshary in the streets of Cairo and be minutes away from the largest museum of Eqyptian antiquities in the world. I want to study and be immersed in thought. Ughhhh I just get so excited! I know it seems I'm only looking at the fun side of this, but the truth is.. if I get accepted and enroll, this just might be the hardest thing I have ever had to face. Obviously Egyptian culture is vastly different from our way of life here in America, and in particular Texas. Like I said, I am excited.. but I am scared to death. Please pray for this, that my essay is complete and that those reading it as well as the rest of my application feel as confident as I do. Hey world are you ready to jump? I am..


HILARY

SOMETIMES I FORGET..

THAT HOPE IS COMING FOR ME. I FORGET TO TRUST THAT WHAT WAS WRITTEN ON MY HEART IS TRUE.

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then ofcourse I'll feel nude when too where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming
-BROOKE FRASER, C.S. LEWIS SONG

Identify Yourself

What is our fascination with identity? Is it one of the major things we need to justify ourselves before we begin to try and relate to others? These are some heavy hitting questions I've battled with for maybe a couple years, and although I don't have a definite answer.. I've learned to identify (cheesy I know) one that seems suitable.. for me at least. First and foremost.. what makes up our identity? Overall, I've decided that we need not be defined. Our fascination seems to occur most with those who have embraced this, which is why I believe that by trying to define ourselves, we hinder true social and intrapersonal growth. Basically we sell ourselves short of who we are. So how do we do this? I believe that we must accept that even though we do have an identity, it cannot be classified and is an ever changing and evolving element to who we are as people. Once we really focus on embracing this, we forget about all the lines we drew withing ourselves and henceforth begin to love ourselves not for what we think we've created.. but for what we actually are. Its taken quite awhile to come to this conclusion and life philosophy. It started for me when I really began to disslike labels, particularly in middle school. I was neither a prep nor a goth.. but I had friends in both groups. Therefore unbenounced to others.. I gave myself the term 'floater.' What's so bad about being a floater? Nothing really, until I realized that I used it to make myself different from others. I used it to differentiate everything I thought I was from everyone else. I took that one little word to an extreme. This probably doesn't happen with everyone.. but I feel that it definitly does happen. More so with words we think are positive. When you were little, odds are that you did some sort of anagram where your name stood for words that describe you. That's where it starts. We are taught to describe ourselves, create ourselves, define ourselves, but by what? Our personallities? Our material possesions? Our friends? Our morals? Our values? And the worst part about this whole system is that we use it not just on ourselves, but our peers as well.

"That girl is too nice, she must be a goody two shoes."
"Her purse cost a ton of money, she must be stuck up."

We use a rule against ourselves and others that has almost no universal properties when based on things that the world has birthed. The system can be fixed when we forget about looking at ourselves and developing our bodies, minds, wardrobes, wallets, and start to look with eyes that see from a larger perspective. Let me ask you something.. was love created by the world? By people? By earth?

No, love was created by God. Love is the ONLY universal truth that anyone should look at anything with. Oddly enough in its own kind of twisted way the one way to define the undefinable is by applying this universal undefiable truth to it. Ok I know all of this looks like gibberish.. but if we can agree that our identities are undefinable and everchanging.. and love is also undefinable and everchanging.. there lies a definite and almost undenyable corralation.

So therefore.. when anyone asks who you are, what you're about, where you fit in or the car you drive.. you need not respond with a plethora of fancy words that you think can capture your 'essence' all it takes is one word, love.